Before being in a relationship I would have fuckbuddy’s. We would watch porn together or they would watch porn alone. Either way, I was fine with it. I figured we were never going to end up in a long term relationship so there was no reason to bug them about it.
It was not until I got into a relationship when I felt some type of way when I found out my partner was watching porn without me. Yes, we’d watch porn together and it was fine, but alone? “Why would he need to watch porn alone,” is what I was thinking. All these emotions started coming up. Emotions I would hear from couples in the past that I never thought I’d experience myself. I felt confused, betrayed, insecure, and jealous.
I’m here to tell you, you are not alone for feeling the way you do when you discover your partner watches porn. It can be a terrible feeling especially when done secretly.
With that being said, I still don’t believe that finding your partner watching porn should be a deal breaker in relationships. Of course, that is up to you to decide but hear me out. Most of the reasons why one wouldn’t be okay with their partner watching porn has a lot to do with internal issues that haven’t been resolved.
It wasn’t easy for me to accept my partner watching porn at first. We had to have a lot of honest and vulnerable conversations with each other. There were tears, laughter, and feelings of embarrassment but it was all worth it. It made our relationship stronger and we got to know each other more along the way.
Since becoming comfortable with the fact my partner watches porn, I feel less stressed. I’m now able to focus on the bigger picture instead of focusing on something I cannot control.
I’m also able to practice what I stand for with Sexish which is to help others embrace their sexuality. Either being an advocate for women to playing with themselves or being an advocate for men who want to jerk off alone because they have fantasies, too. As long as no one is getting hurt in the process, I’m here for it!
How to be comfortable with your partner watching porn:
1.Have a conversation with your partner: Once you begin to feel some type of way when you find out your partner watches porn, journal your feelings or talk about it with a friend first. It’s never a good idea to have a conversation when you are upset. You’ll end up going off on your emotions which are not always true.
Once you’re ready to have a conversation, be honest and open with your partner about how him watching porn makes you feel. You can even use this time to ask him any questions that will answer any of your assumptions you had about him to make you feel more comfortable.
Also, you’ll notice just having your partner listen and respect you will make you feel better. Often during these moments we feel that our partner might not care or even want to listen to what we have to say about this topic. You’d be surprise what a conversation can do!
Keep in mind that masturbating and watching porn for your partner might be a private thing so, proceed the conversation in a non judgmental way.
2. Define what cheating means to you: Does cheating involve a physical person? Is emotionally flirting considered cheating? Is watching someone else fuck considered cheating?
Ask yourself these questions and if you end up with the answer of “porn is not cheating,” then try to reframe your thoughts on porn. Porn has always had a bad rep in the media and it’s not a surprise that it’s the reason why you dislike the idea of your partner watching it.
I like to think of pornstars as performers since they are performing an act that most of us can not do. Or, I like to think of pornstars as strictly fantasy and that my boyfriend will never get a chance to bang them in real life. Thinking this way makes me less insecure he’s going to cheat on me with them.
Once you’ve established the definition of cheating with each other, you will feel more comfortable knowing where both of you stand in your relationship.
3. I stopped being controlling: Another way I started to become comfortable with the fact my partner watches porn is by getting rid of the idea that I can change him. As much as I’d like for him to only fantasize about me, I would be a hypocrite if I forced that on him.
Let’s be real, whenever I feel sexy, I throw on porn and masturbate. I’ll fantasize about the big black dicks on the screen and wish that I was the woman being gang banged. If that was taken away from me, I’d be devastated. I would hate for anyone to feel they cannot express themselves sexually especially if that is something they do in private. If I’m really uncomfortable about the topic I will make sure to leave before I shame someone for expressing their sexuality.
4. Make porn watching an activity you do together: If you’re still getting used to your partner watching porn, try watching porn with them. Watching porn together will give you guys the opportunity to learn new things about each other sexually as well as grow your relationship stronger.
By doing this, you get a sneak peak of their world they go into when they are watching porn. You’ll most likely take it less personally the next time you think of them watching porn because you’ll know that he does this activity for fun and you’ll realize it has nothing to do with the relationship.
5. Why do you feel that way?: It’s important to understand why you feel the way you do. Pretend you already know the backstory to why your partner watches porn. He’s told you that it has nothing to do with you, that he loves your body the way it is, and that masturbating to porn is part of exploring his sexuality. That, pulse you watch porn, too.
If after that, you cannot get over the fact that he watches porn, maybe it’s time to talk to your therapist or someone about this topic. This topic can be triggering for you and it’s worth finding out why. If we say we’re confident and secure with ourselves, why do we still have an issue?
Watching porn is normal! While it’s easy to think about the negative reasons why one watches porn, there are plenty of positive ones. Such as education, arousal, self curiosity, boredom, stress relief, etc. Because there are so many positive reasons why your partner watches porn, I believe you can be comfortable with this fact!
When it comes to sexuality, we cannot be hypocrites. Just because we were told this narrative about porn doesn’t mean we have to stick with it. We are a new generation of sexual beings and we should look at it with a different perspective. It is not fair to judge someone for exploring their sexuality differently.
(I go back and forth between partner and bf without even thinking about it. I believe all my posts can be relatable to all genders. So, if it gets confusing, sorry!)
Stay Sexy & Curious!