How to Be Less Controlling

I’ve been in a real ass relationship for almost over a year now. This is new territory for me as before this relationship, I was having frequent casual sex with whomever and whenever I wanted. It was a fun time and I would never regret it but, I’d rather much be in the position I am now. Sorry not sorry.

I get good dick whenever I want, I don’t have to lie about my partners head being good, I don’t have to fake my orgasms (we’ll communicate instead) , we equally can’t get our hands off each other, and the best part is, degrading sex doesn’t feel so shameful.

When you’re in a new relationship, especially a spiritual relationship, you not only end up learning a lot about your partner, but you also end up learning a lot about yourself. It isn’t an easy path but if you want to move forward in life or embrace your sexual journey, you’re eventually going to have to confront your fears. Fears include jealousy, insecurity, lack of confidence, anger, blaming, judging, etc.

It could be that we first experienced these at a young age and we are now over exaggerating the situation by bringing it into our present life.

It’s not our fault that we experience these fears. It could be that we first experienced these at a young age and we are now over exaggerating the situation by bringing it into our present life. It’s up to us to be aware when these fears are triggered so that it can be easier for us to deal with them. Our future us will thank us.

I value growth. I feel that we as humans never stop growing even if you’re in your 50s. There is always something new to learn about yourself and others. To me, growing means to be able to live life without fears or at least to be able to combat your fears as soon as they arise. I don’t believe people are meant to stay in a negative state for so long.

I want to share a story about a time when I discovered I was being too controlling. I think a lot of us experience anger and pain because we have a problem with control. I never thought I was a controlling person. If anything, I knew controlling people and I didn’t think I was like them at all. It was not until I started talking to my therapist about my problems with jealousy and being angry which we concluded that is was all due to CONTROL.


It was the day right before my flight to New York. I woke up feeling great that morning because it was a Friday which meant when my boyfriend came back home from work, it was officially the weekend!

As I lay in bed awake first, I started to think about how I wanted the day to be like. He had been doing a lot for me the past couple of weeks and I wanted to return the favor. I decided that I wanted that Friday to be all about him. We’ll watch porn because I know he likes that, I’ll make chocolate covered strawberries for a sexy moment, I’ll pleasure him whenever he wants and I’ll even go to the sex shop to find something that we can both enjoy together. To me, it sounded perfect! I couldn’t wait to tell him what I had planned. A day just about him.

While he was at work, I prepared. I went to the grocery store, went to the sex shop, went to get my punani waxed, I was ready! He actually came home early so that we could spend more time together. He’s the best!

As the night went on, all I could think about was him. Was he having fun? Was he feeling sexy? Could I do anything to make him feel sexier? When are we going to watch porn?

As the night went on , all I could think about was him. Was he having fun? Was he feeling sexy? Could I do anything to make him feel sexier? When are we going to watch porn? I started to grow anxious as he wasn’t doing anything that I had imagined in my head. Instead, he was doing things that was relaxing to him which was fine but again, not how I imagined a sexy night to start or lead up to.

I checked up on him a lot since I thought we were both on the same page that this night was going to be sexy. There was no sexy in the air and I kept blaming myself for it. I started to suggest things like, “do you want me to take out the strawberries?”, “should I take the sex pill right now?”, “do you want me to suck your dick?” Anything!

Finally, we were both feeling uncomfortable and he spoke up. He admitted that whatever was happening felt forced. Past me at the time, was offended. “FORCED”!? How did it feel forced when we both wanted it, right? I thought I had explained the type of night that I wanted so how could he have not known what I was expecting? What did he mean FORCED?

I started to explain to him what I was trying to do and how my intentions were all so good. It seemed like there was a miscommunication somewhere because apparently when he heard that it was his day, he thought he could do whatever he wanted with no problem. But when I said it was his day, my real intentions were that WE were going have a sexy night. I figured if he’s feeling sexy, I’ll benefit from it.

We ended up arguing that night because I refused to believe that I was trying to force anything on him. I was embarrassed and disappointed.


When it comes to dealing with issues, it takes me a while to process them. Especially if it has to do with me taking responsibility. I cannot be angry and try to deal with it at the same time. I’ll end up turning into a nasty person and say things I’ll regret in the morning.

After going through every moment in my head from start to finish, I realized where the problem started. It started in the morning when I planned out how I wanted the night to go so that NOTHING could go wrong. It did the opposite. I planned for something where EVERYTHING was wrong if it wasn’t according to how I played it out in my head. Hence the reason why I was getting more irritable every time something was going off plan.

I gave both of us such high expectations where there was no room for error. This wasn’t fair to him because he had no idea he was under that much pressure. How would he have known what was going through my head if I didn’t tell him?

I started to think about all the other moments where I found myself angry and anxious. They all had something in common which was whenever something didn’t go my way, I was not happy. My problem was having to know what was going to happen because I was afraid if I didn’t prepare for it I would fail and be embarrassed.

That is something I had to admit to myself which was tough at first but enlightening. Did I want to live a life where I always knew what was going to happen? Or did I want to live a life where I’m open to any possibilities because let’s face it, the possibility that we are telling ourselves may not be the best one. I want to live a life where I’m open to anything and if in that moment I have to struggle then so be it. At least I’ll be a much stronger person from it.

Do you find yourself controlling situations? Could this be the reason why you find yourself upset whenever something doesn’t go your way? Could this be a reason why there is a stunt on your sexual journey?

I believe that losing control is the best way to live life especially if you are on your sexual journey. It’s impossible to get to know yourself when you try to control every aspect of your life. Sometimes you need to let go of the wheel and trust that your Universe is doing everything in the best interest for you. You’d be surprise what is in store for you. The book Seat of The Soul talks about this the best. This book along with therapy has given me tools that I use everyday to help with this. It’s life changing and I highly recommend it.

I hope this helps you by showing you what controlling your life can look like. It looks different for all of us but they all share similar consequences. Let’s all try to work on losing control!

How to be Less Controlling

– Go into a situation open to possibilities. Think to yourself that NOTHING can go wrong because if it does, that means that you were expecting something to happen. That is CONTROL.

Be aware of how you say things. The words you use determine a lot of how your brain processes things. For example, I used to use the phrase ” I’m going to make him” whenever I would want to introduce a thing I was passionate about to someone. That phrase of making him do something aka forcing something on him already is telling myself that I don’t care if he wants to hear it or not. I’m going to make him listen and if he doesn’t I’ll be upset. Instead of using those words, I now go about it as “sharing” my passions with someone. I’ll introduce the topic because I love it but I won’t be upset if the other person won’t be into it too. I no longer have expectations for people to like the things that I like.

– I ask myself what is my intention. Intention is everything! There is an intention behind everything we say and some of us are just not aware of them. Once you become aware of why you are saying or asking things, the less confused you’ll be when a situation doesn’t go your way.

Stop putting expectations on yourself and others. I noticed when I was being judgmental of other people, I was really being judgmental of myself. I expected them to be a way because I expected myself to be a way. Stop being so hard yourself and you’ll see yourself be less hard on others.

Identify what control means to you. Try journaling about control and see what comes up. Ask yourself the questions, “What does control mean to me?” “Why do I need control?” “What happens when I lose control?”

– If all fails, do the opposite of what you’d normally do when you control a situation. If you react, try to respond instead. If you yell, try to use a different tone of voice. When you do this, you are being present and that is a start!

Stay Sexy & Curious

Instagram: @sexishh

Disclaimer: Many of the links provided are affiliate links which means that I may get commission if you purchase something using the link on my website. (Thank you in advance) This is at no cost to you at all. I only share things that I believe would help one in their sexual journey. All my opinions and advice are my own. I am not a doctor or therapist so if you have any real life concerning questions, I am not the one.

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