How to Introduce Kink to Your Partner
What is kinky sex? Francisco Ramirez, a sexual health consultant told Well+Good, “Kink is anything that falls outside the bounds of culturally defined expectations, which, because of often wildly puritanical societies, could basically be anything that’s not penile-vaginal intercourse.” In other words, kink is a fantasy. It’s a time to play and do things that aren’t considered “normal.”
We’ve all had that fantasy of being saved from a castle from our knight and shining armor. Now that we’re adults, I’m sure that fantasy involves sex, right? NORMAL!
You want to jerk off because you see a nice pair of feet? NORMAL!
You want to be forced to have sex with your partner to feel like you’re in a rape scene? NORMAL!
You want to be tied up and be called degrading names while you’re being fucked? NORMAL!
The list goes on and on. If something made your body tingle and you had to jerk off afterwards, chances are you have a kink.
I’m happy to tell you there is a space and community for you.
While most kinks are “non-conventional” and because society isn’t quite sex-positive, it takes a person a little bit more courage to tell their partner about it. It can be frightening to confess to your partner your deepest desires especially if you’ve been ridiculed in the past.
Kinks are just important to your sexuality as blowjobs are to men. It’s what we desire and if it is not fulfilled, we can feel unsatisfied and it can lead to cheating, resentment or even post coital dysphoria. Post Coital Dysphoria” is the feeling of sadness, anxiety, agitation or aggression, after sexual intercourse or masturbation.” Depriving yourself of your kink is depriving yourself of pleasure and fun! You are normal to have them and you should be able to share this part of yourself without feeling shame.
Whether you know the kink or you want to try a new kink with your partner, here are some tips to introducing it to them.
Communicate!!!! Talk about your kink with your partner and explain to them how it came about. Your partner will be much more understanding and willing to explore it if they understand why it turns you on. Communicate what exactly you want to do and how you want it to be done so that there are no surprises. This is also a great opportunity for you to get your partner to talk about their kinks if they were afraid to talk about it in the first place.
If communicating this formally seems intimidating to you, try dirty talking your desires. It’s hard to resist something when you’re already in the moment ;).
2. Show them the Porn Version
Hearing the word kink or BDSM can be deceiving. Most of the time when people hear those words they think they have to act as a slave or get their balls kicked in. I know my boyfriend did. Show them that it’s not what they think by showing the porn version of it. It’s easier for someone to get on board with something when they see other people enjoying it.
3. Explore through Different Kinks Together
There are so many kinks. The list goes on and on. Skim through it with your partner to see what interests you both. You might be able to discover the names to the kinks you already have or even discover new ones. To make it easier, try taking the BDSM test together and share your results. If you have something in common, definitely dive into that!
4. Baby Steps
If your partner is on the fence with your kink, you might want to start off with baby steps. Educate your partner on BDSM/kink. Let them know the benefits of it and let them know the pleasure will be mutual. What’s great about BDSM/kink is that the community is strict with consent. Reassure them that you won’t do anything they aren’t comfortable with.
5. Prepare for a Negative Reaction
Unfortunately, no matter how much you explain to someone your kinks, they’ll never understand it. At this point, it’s up to you if you want to continue this relationship. If you feel in your heart that this kink is part of you and this is the only way you can be fully satisfied, they might not be the right one for you. I think if anyone who loves you, they will at least try to make it work even if they have to do it in baby steps.
Don’t settle when it comes to your sexuality. That is your part of your power and if it’s taken away from you, you might feel short in other aspects of your life. I’ll leave you here with an excerpt from Audre Lorde’s essay, The Uses of Erotic: The Erotic is Power,
“But when we begin to live from within outward, in touch with the power of the erotic within ourselves, and allowing that power to inform and illuminate our actions upon the world around us, then we begin to be responsible to ourselves in the deepest sense. For as we begin to recognize our deepest feelings, we beg
in to give up, of necessity, being satisfied with suffering and self-negation, and with the numbness which so often seems like their only alternative in our society. Our acts against oppression become integral with self, motivated and empowered from within.”
(Please read her essay if you haven’t. It’s such a beautiful piece!)
Stay Sexy & Curious!